Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Not So Itsy Bitsy Spider

Holy cow moment ?:  I was attacked by the biggest spider ever!  Ok, maybe attacked is the wrong word.  More like surprised.  But it was the biggest spider ever, or well, it was the biggest spider at the moment – ok so any spider is massive when it comes down from the ceiling in the garage without warning!  Has anyone heard my terrible spider stories?

Pre-Baby Occurrences
Incident 1: I was walking down the stairs of my unfinished basement to be greeted by a massive spider. I am talking six feet by six feet – no joke.  Turns out it was the shadow of a spider whose body –not including legs – was the size of a quarter in the window well outside the house who was being projected onto the wall.  Thank you Mr. Sun for the heart attack.  I think I might have peed myself.  To exact my revenge – or to rid my house of this horrible spider to rival all spiders, I crept out of my house through the patio doors, down the porch through the grass to the side of the house.  I was careful and quiet – because we all know that spiders  jump out and attack (or maybe this was a little overkill.) As I slowly got within shooting range of the window well – roughly six feet is what the bottle of Home Defense said I started to shoot.  Eyes closed, I aimed (yes figure that one out) and started to rapid fire off nearly a third of the bottle.  HAHA, take that you deadly spider.  Go back from whence you came. Assuming I had a deadly infestation I promptly returned inside, proceeded to wash my hands four times to remove any possible contamination, from spider six feet away or the bug spray that was in my hand.  Once I was certain things were all taken care of I sat down at the computer and look up my evil nemesis.  Turns out the poor spider –yes poor innocent creature – was a “Cat faced” spider.  Look it up.  They are ugly as sin BUT totally harmless, never come in doors and only eat insects.  I did and still do feel guilty.

Incident 2: A year or so after the first terrifying experience I came home from work like normal and in a good mood.  The weather was beautiful and I was probably humming – if not it certainly conveys the mood I was in.  I came home, loaded my work computer bag onto my shoulder, grabbed my purse and walked to the front door. As I was struggling with my keys to the front door something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.  I paused, logically thought about it and went to put my key into the front door.  My thought was that there is no way something that large was really there, must have been a leaf- but no it moved again.  This time I paused, stood very still before resolving myself to slowly look over at the small wall by the door, and then I screamed like a small child, dropped my bag and ran across the street.   Lucky for me I had my cell phone which I promptly used to call my husband, who was still at work I might add.  Breathlessly and calmly (not) I described the situation.  “There is the world’s biggest spider by the front door. I’m locked out.  I can’t get in the front door.  It’s huge, no wait massive!” 

My husband sweetly and patiently then responds to oh-so calm wife. “Ok, I doubt it is that big.”
Me: “No it really is.”
Husband: “Really?  I think you might be over reacting.”
Me:  “Oh yeah?  I’ll show you.  Hold on.”  I then proceed to stop over to the house, get close enough to zoom in with my camera on the phone and snap a photo.  The spider is wider than a standard brick, he (of course it’s male in my book), is by a power outlet and is larger than that even.  It is huge!!! A minute later my husband gets the photo.
Husband: “Ok, that is a big spider. Well kill it.”
Me: “With what?”
Husband: “I don’t know. Your shoe?”
Me: “Uh huh. Right.  No.  Come home.  I am locked out.”
Husband: “There is a key pad on the garage.  Can you get to the garage?”
Me: “oh”

From there I proceed to get into the garage choose my bug spray of choice (I have a lot) and stand, once again, as far as possible from the offending bug.  Once again I douse it.  (please no one tell me how cruel this is.  I really don’t mean it but in the moment of panic my mind doesn’t work.) After waiting several minutes of watching said spider do the death thrash dance I finally see him dead, curled in a ball.  This allows me to get close enough to grab my bag, walk back to the garage and shut the nightmare out – until the next day when I remember the corpse and refuse to use the front door until my husband buries the body.  Later I found out it was a tarantula – another fairly harmless spider.  After that moment I decided I would go look up the species first and then decide to kill it or call someone to relocate it – no I am not touching it.

FYI I did not ask the current spider that start this blog what he was.  It was night, it was dark and he ambushed me therefore he died.

Back to present:

I have fears, I think I stated this in a previous post; I listed Zombie apocalypse preparation even. Back to the current trauma at hand;  I am terrified of spiders.  But I have reached outside my comfort zone to protect my little girl.  I will kill that mean evil, HUGE, Mutant spider in the name of mommy-hood.  I am afraid I will let her down someday, I hate that I won’t be there for every bump or bruise but when I am there I will make sure I do the best I can for her.  Who knew having a child would make me cry at darn near everything but give me the strength to kill a spider?  I still can’t say if my husband thinks the trade offs are all that great but I do know he agrees that our little-one is worth everything – of course he is not the one with the issues from the pregnancy now is he? 

Holy cow I can kill a spider.  I still get the hebbie Jebbies but I can do it. 

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